Welcome, class, to Mother of the Groom, 101.
We’re delighted you chose to attend. It’s obvious that some of you are happy to be here, others, less enchanted. You with the scowling faces…hup hup; sit up here by me. I’ll be keeping my eye on you…
Come on now- you know who you are.
There now. I know that you are just taking this to fulfill a credit.
In order to graduate to becoming a grandmother, you have to get through this class. Grin and bear it, so to speak, as your precious son
makes his way to the altar. Remember, this is a
non-credit course, but necessary for anyone wishing to maintain a 4.0
GPA with their son for the rest of their life.
Before we begin today’s lecture, let’s take a look at the syllabus and the subjects we’ll be covering this semester:
Week 1) The lost art of Mime.
We will learn the communication skills of those who don’t speak.
Week 2) Yes, dear and Isn’t that lovely.
No matter what your son tells you, you will reply, ‘yes dear’ or ‘isn’t that lovely’. Although your vocabulary may be robust, the months leading up to the big day is not the time to prove it.
Yes, dear. Two words that say it all.
Isn’t that lovely…a statement, not a question.
Week 3) Choosing a dress that you’ll never want to see again, wear again and how to dispose of it with grace.
We will discuss mother of the groom dresses and why peach should only appear on fruit, not women, why bolero jackets work for toreadors, not weepy moms and why gold lace is best used as a doily, not a fashion statement.
Week 4) It’s all NOT about you.
This is not to be confused with ‘It’s NOT all about you’. (See Mother of the Bride 101, offered next semester). In this section we cover how little voice you actually have, how ‘mute and cute’ is what you will aspire to and how what you truly think and how you sincerely feel are…really, irrelevant.
Week 5) Getting over it. (Continuation of week 4).
Class conduct and rules:
- No eye rolling. Although you will often, while en route to the chapel look heaven ward (as in ‘why, Lord, why?’), there will be no eye rolling allowed at any time. Not in front of your son and certainly not in front of his fiancée.
- No questioning. You will be told what is expected of you. Do not offer advice, ask about plans or recommend alternatives to the young
couples’ proclamations. Example: ‘Mom, we are planning on serving dry roasted sea slugs with Listerine infused martinis at our reception’.
Do not ask why. Do not gag in their presence, do not recommend Scope in lieu of Listerine. Learn to nod. Vigorously.
- Buy duct tape for your mouth (please refer to rule #2 above)
- Cry only when you are alone or in the company of your loving husband, best friend or therapist. It is not permissible nor is it recommended to weep in front of the salesperson at Neiman’s who just wants to sell you the MOTG dress. You will get no sympathy
from her because let’s face it, she’s working on commission.
- Do not disparage your future daughter-in-law or refer to her as her, she or whatshername. First name only and whenever you can add ‘dear’ before or after her name.
There you have it. It’s a pleasure to have you here.
Please read your first homework assignment before tomorrow’s class. Chapter one in your textbook is,
‘Maternal cardiac expansion: sure you can!’ and chapter two, ‘If he’s happy, you’re happier; mantra