So good to hear from you again. It certainly has been a while and I must say it’s not often that we receive letters from shall we say ‘older’ children like yourself.
As we head down to the wire, I thought it best to reach out to you before the 25th. At the risk of disappointing you on Christmas morning, allow me to clarify some crucial points.
Up here in the North Pole, we try to avoid using terms like ‘not exactly’, ‘for the most part’ and ‘meh’. We are pretty clear on the naughty or nice status. It’s either one or the other, no gray areas.
I carefully reviewed your missive, but it read more like a ransom note than a list of gentle requests. Keep in mind that Santa has never taken kindly to threats, nor has he forgotten that incident at Fowler, Dick and Walker Department Store when you vehemently demanded Twister, a Chatty Cathy doll, and a Budding Beauty Vanity Set (just like mommy’s very own). I can still recall after you slid off my lap, you turned, squinted your eyes and mouthed the words, ‘or else’.
Holding your breath until you turned blue didn’t work at age 8, and frankly it won’t work today, either. And as far as pouting and crying go, you’d seriously better think twice.
Getting back to your note, you presumed that by including what you considered to be good deeds, it would influence my decision.
That time at Safeway was a perfect example. You were doing your weekly shopping and insisted that an elderly gentleman go ahead of you in the check-out line. Yes, it was an act of kindness, but it didn’t exactly merit the Medal of Freedom. After all, the old chap only had two items in his cart, and for goodness sake; he was your own father.
To that end, those canker sores you claimed to have suffered from biting your tongue could hardly be considered battle wounds. Not telling your dear friend that her new grandchild looked like Yoda in a blankie was not heroism, it was common decency.
Trying to sweeten me up didn’t work, either.
By pointing out all the times you left me carrots on Christmas eve, you only made points with Mrs. Claus (who is constantly nagging me about my weight) as well as Donner and Blitzen (who maintain a strict macrobiotic diet). I’m a cookies and milk man. Period.
Regarding your wish list, I hate to be the one to tell you, but Mimi dear, there is no such thing as the perfect Little Black Dress.
Same goes for Jimmy Choos that don’t hurt, Spanx that don’t bind and calorie-free double fudge brownies.
To that end, the magnifying mirror you asked for that lies to your face is actually called a non-magnifying mirror. Buy it yourself at CVS.
And please, don’t ask me for an extra prescription of Ambien. It’s totally unnecessary. Remember, Santa knows when you are sleeping.
As for what you refer to as ‘modern day gold, frankincense and myrrh’ sorry; Chanel, La Prairie and La Mer travel poorly by sleigh.
Further, ‘a strand of South Sea Pearls the size of gumballs’ is simply not in our budget this year. After the Elves unionized last January, we had to increase their benefits and limit jewelry gifts to new brides and Super Bowl winners.
Might you consider a nice ‘add a bead’ necklace, instead?
So Mimi, while I understand you have desires and expectations, I’m afraid that I just cannot satisfy them.
What I can do, however, is remind you that while Christmas is a time of giving, it is a time of receiving, as well. May you receive the gifts of Peace, Hope and Joy that the holiday promises to bring.
Yours in the Christmas Spirit,
XO Santa Claus